You should get a Great Dane!

Great Dane

A Great Dane may be one huge doggy, but its heart is even bigger. This slobbering loaf will gladly rest its humongous head in your lap, quietly demanding your attention. Their large tails wag back and forth when ready for walks, so beware of vases and furniture shattering. Although their tails can do quite a bit of damage, they have a calm demeanor and are gentle loving creatures.

You'll need heavy-duty poop bags to pick up after this monster, and forget taking it for a spin in your two seater sports car. The first three years will require consistent attention and behavior monitoring to keep jumping to a minimum, and will require a handler that can physically control a boisterous and powerful teenager.